Drained.
Will I always be questioning yesterday, today, and tomorrow?
Rock Bottom.
Where are you? I want you so badly. I want so badly to feel nothing. To hit rock bottom. But I can’t. I feel every bit of the pain. I feel every bit of the heartbreak. I always will. I can barely function. If I’m not worth trying for, then why try for myself? I can’t do this without you. No more swimming, I choose to sink. Forever falling, but forever holding on.
sink or swim.
I’m always trying to make sense of your words. Reading and re-reading them, allowing them to stick to my brain like glue. Everything clashes and makes no sense at all. I can feel myself sinking down again and this time I’m not even fighting. My entire bodies shaking, screaming, but I’m determined to let myself sink down. Because I hope that maybe just once you’ll save me. Maybe just once you’ll lift me up and hold me in your arms and tell me that everything is going to be okay again, that everything is going to perfect again. Even if you don’t, I’m starting to think that’s okay. Because without you I have nothing to fight for, nothing to swim for, so why not just sink?
Tick Tock.
In the midst of destruction, I was certain I’d find who I was. I thought who I was as an individual would either jump to higher bolder places, or shatter to peices. It was a selfish & sad thought to think that when everything was falling down, I’d find myself. All I found was you. You; my love, my best friend, the one. I found you with your back towards me, walking away. My eyes are open. I started to picture life without you. It left me empty and angry and broken. I still feel broken. I wonder if I will ever feel whole again, if I will ever stop fighting to gain back the love you promised me forever. Will I always have to run after you? I’ll always run. From you, I learned to fight, and I will always fight for you, for us. Lately, I’ve become depressed by the way I am. Everything I do feels like a struggle, like I’m in a competition. But who am I competing with? Myself. There’s only me. I feel like I’m running a never ending race, with no certain destination; like I’m a dog chasing it’s tail, everything I want is so close, yet so out of reach. What happens if I slip and fall? What happens if I will never be good enough? I don’t know. I’m just running. I’m in a trance lately, background noise zones me in and out, but that’s it. I’m just fading in, just fading away, and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to break free of this feeling that has intertwined itself with me. All I know is that eventually, I will. I can see a little sunlight in the darkness, it encourages me, and I’m clinging to it.
